Meeting “Messy” with Grace: There’s “Childhood” on Your Face!
Summary: This article explores strategies for embracing messy toddlers and childhood chaos while maintaining a peaceful home environment. For the other articles in this series, see “Messy Motherhood” and “Messy Learning.”
The Reality of Messy Toddlers: Embracing the Chaos
Let’s cut to the chase… toddlers are professional mess-makers! If your home is anything like mine, you have likely experienced multiple days (maybe even this week) where your kids suddenly transform into tasmanian pinballs in a machine shooting from one mess to another. As a matter of fact, their mess-making is instinctive! I’ve never had to teach my kids to make a mess, it just happens! These days can be some of the hardest, because I feel the tug-o-war so deeply. I want to enjoy my sweet kids, I want them to be creative and explorative, but it’s also my job to bring order to chaos and create a peaceful home for all who live there. You too?
Key takeaway: Recognizing the natural tendency of toddlers to create messes is the first step in balancing creative exploration while maintaining order in your home.
The Inner Struggle of Balancing Mess and Order
Early on in my motherhood, I had a good grasp on my emotions surrounding messes and noise and other stimuli, but as our family grew, my capacity for those things seemed to shrink. I found myself overwhelmed with our stuff, and the walls of our small apartment seemed to close in on me. Add in a global pandemic, and I lived in a constant state of overstimulation. I had once been the mom who welcomed help in the kitchen, but found myself avoiding anything that hinted at messy. And I missed out!
As our babies became toddlers, much of our play moved outside. I would take the kids to cool playgrounds expecting them to play on the swings or slides, but all they wanted was the dirt pit! It was a constant struggle. If we were inside, we were overstimulated from noise and clutter. The thought of going outside produced a mental image akin to a scene from a horror film. I would really get into my head about the dirt smudges. “What would they think if they saw my kid covered in dirt, head to toe?” “What if they ruin their clothes?”
I was caught in a trap between trying to reclaim my old views on sensory play and the critical voices in my head. Is it possible to maintain a sense of order and peace while enjoying the dirt pit and splashing in puddles?
Summary: The challenge of balancing messy play and maintaining order is a common struggle for moms, often leading to stress and missed opportunities for family connection.
How I Changed My Mindset About Messy Play
Then I met my dear friend, Bekah, and my thoughts turned to, “That mom is letting her kids play in the dirt, maybe it’s not so bad?” Bekah is a fun-loving mama who somehow always has a tidy home AND her kids play in the dirt. (How was that even possible??) Bekah and I became quick friends, and we loved having our gaggle of children together. Because we were living in student housing on a seminary campus steps away from each other, playground meet-ups became a regular thing. Bekah continued to invite us outside and it became easier every time to say yes. She has such a gracious and carefree perspective, and it caused me to challenge my own thoughts about messy play.
One day, I was sitting in the grass watching my kiddos dig in the dirt under the most beautiful live oak tree. I hadn’t intended to clean up unnecessary messes, and when my 3-year-old looked at me, I found dirt smudged all over her sweet face. I was tempted to let stress take over, but I caught myself mid-sentence, “You’ve got… childhood… on your face!” From that moment on, something shifted in my mind.
From that moment on, something shifted in my mind. What I labeled as “childhood” was really the true freedom of childhood. She didn’t care what others thought of her, she was curious and explorative, and she was wholly herself in that moment. I want that for her all the days of her life. I knew that if I wanted to enjoy my kids as they are and foster that freedom to be wholly who God made them to be, I was going to make some changes in my own heart and the way I approached day to day life. Afterall, you only get one childhood, and I want it to be the best possible.
Key point: Shifting your mom mindset about messy play can lead to more joyful experiences and stronger family connections.
Practical Tips for Managing Toddler Messes
Steps I Take to Embrace the Mess
I’d love to say that messes never bothered me again, but that is far from the truth. Instead I decided to commit to reframing my view of messes and making actual changes to our life that would create space for grace when it comes to mess-making.
1. I decluttered my house.
I realized that if I was going to reclaim the peace, it needed to start with me. My stress was coming from adding mess to mess. So I decided that I could either manage a family of 6, OR I could manage all the stuff. I try to always choose my people.
One thing that really stressed me out was being afraid of getting our “nice” clothes messed up. So as I decluttered, I was quick to purge “in between” clothes. They are either 100% meant for play and “real” childhood or they are special occasion/church clothes. No more of the in-betweens that require constant decision making.
2. I dedicate certain clothes for play.
3. I choose my hard.
Sometimes, I just can’t handle the dirt pit outside. So I don’t. I decide that indoor messes are the hard I’m willing to embrace. Sometimes, it’s the opposite. Either way, I have a decision to make. I can choose to wallow in self pity and frustration, or I can be kind to myself and set reasonable expectations. One produces more chaos, and one produces growth and awareness.
You may have heard the phrase, “There’s no such thing as bad weather, only bad gear.” I have found this to be true. I try to be prepared to handle the situation at hand. For instance, if we are going puddle jumping or there’s a chance for mud at the playground, we opt for rain boots or crocs over tennis shoes or buckle sandals.
**Be sure to check out this post for a whole list of mess-managing favorites.**
4. I set myself up for success.
5. I don’t do it alone.
There is something about the shared experience of letting go of control and then regaining order alongside someone else that really does empower me! Be it a good youtube video of someone decluttering while I purge a drawer or a quick picture exchange to a friend who is also wiping dirt out of their sink, there’s just something about that shared experience that helps me to feel seen and to let other moms know I see them too. Bekah normalized messy play in childhood for me. I try to do the same for others.
Summary: These practical tips for managing toddler messes can help overwhelmed moms embrace childhood chaos while maintaining a sense of order and peace in the home.
Why Embracing Messy Childhood Moments Matters
- Why do I clean every day?
- Why do I let the kids get messy if I’m just going to have to clean it up again?
- Why do I not just throw it all to the wind and accept the inevitable filth that comes with real life?
- Why do I even try?
- Why do I make delicious meals?
- Why do I light candles and play music?
- Why do I craft our home atmosphere at all?
I have a few of my own answers to those questions…
Made in the Image of God
First, I believe I am made in the image of God, and He has given me the opportunity to reflect His image by cultivating my home. Before sin entered the world, God created man and woman to cultivate the Garden and subdue it. Therefore, it is my act of worship to God to live in this tension and work diligently to cultivate and subdue my corner of the world. I can grasp for control and create an atmosphere of stress, or I can ask Him to use these situations to change my heart to look more like Jesus. Does getting messy make me look more like Jesus? No. But learning to respond gently and trusting that God is always up to something good in my life does!
Loving Our Family Well
Secondly, I love my people. I want to do what’s best for them and set them up for success. I want to make lasting connections with them. So I choose to hold hands with messes and with tidiness, because they need both. If I completely and selfishly shield them from messy experiences simply because I don’t want to deal with it, I’m leaving very little opportunity for them to ask very normal and safe what-if questions. There’s less opportunity for them to learn the satisfaction of regaining order. There’s less opportunity for heartfelt connection. At the same time, if I never require tidiness and throw caution to the wind 100% of the time, I am setting them up for failure. It is only in the equilibrium of the two that we cultivate a loving atmosphere for experiencing the world through normal, everyday childhood.
“Childhood” on My Face
Lastly, maybe I need more “childhood” on my face. What if allowing my children to get messy also allows me to re-enter the freedom found in childhood? I think that my children have a lot to teach me about life, and letting loose is something I too often need to re-learn! What a gift to have such enthusiastic teachers!
Final thoughts: Embracing messy childhood moments not only benefits our children but also allows parents to rediscover the joy and freedom of play, fostering stronger family connections and creating lasting memories.
Let’s Not Miss This!
Love Always,
Rachel
Dirt in smudges on your nose,
Grass and things between your toes.
The simple plays of childhood,
Are treasured days of motherhood.
